tide
i want to be seen in some form, shape or way just for today.
with the new year, i’ve given myself a lot of time to reflect about a lot of stuff and i feel like i want to share my thoughts in case anyone else feels the same way? i’ve realized how much i’ve grown to dislike myself and at the age of 26, i find myself more uncertain of who i am than ever before.
living in louisville often feels like living slightly out of focus. like the world around me is clear to everyone else, but blurry to me. i move through my days constantly aware of how different i am, even when no one says it out loud. over time, that awareness has become exhausting. it’s not one big moment but it’s a lot of small, quiet reminders that i exist outside the norm here, and they add up. i’m constantly carrying reminders of the microaggressions i’ve experienced, and every time one more thing gets added, it feels like i’m going to explode.
i’ve experienced a lot of microaggressions from friends, coworkers, and strangers, and i don’t think i understood how deeply they affected me until i looked back and realized when things started to change. around 2020 the start of covid and anti asian hate became more visible, something shifted inside me. the world started feeling less safe, and i started feeling more exposed in my own body.
things that used to feel neutral like going out in public or just existing in shared spaces don’t feel neutral anymore. i’m constantly aware of myself in a way i wasn’t before. it feels like there’s a spotlight on me whenever i leave the house, like my presence alone is announcing to everyone that i’m asian. i don’t actually know who’s watching or what they’re thinking, but the feeling is always there, lingering in the background.
the microaggressions weren’t always obvious or aggressive. sometimes they were jokes, comments, questions, or looks that felt just slightly off. subtle enough that i questioned whether i was overreacting, but frequent enough that they piled up. over time, it feels like they’re chipping away at my sense of ease. it’s making me feel more guarded, more cautious, more aware of how quickly i could be reduced to something other than just a person.
now being out in public feels like a i’m at a constsnt risk. i noticed that scan my surroundings. i notice who’s around me. i brace myself without even realizing i’m doing it. i hate that my body responds this way now, i feel tense, alert, and prepared?? but it’s hard to unlearn something that was taught through fear and experience.
what hurts is knowing that this isn’t something i chose. it feels like it was forced on me by the way the world changed and by the way asians were treated during that time. i miss the version of myself who could exist without thinking about safety, visibility, or blame. i’m still trying to figure out how to find peace again, even if it looks different now.
i also wanted to talk about how being asian here feels lonely in a way that’s hard to explain. it’s not that people are always unkind. it’s that there’s no shared understanding. no one instinctively understands my family dynamics, my cultural instincts, or the way i move through the world. i feel like i’m constantly translating myself my reactions, my habits, my feelings even when i’m exhausted from explaining.
sometimes i notice how rare it feels to see people who look like me. it makes me hyper aware of myself in public spaces, like i’m somehow both visible and invisible at the same time. i don’t blend in, but i’m also not fully seen. that contradiction is draining, and it creates a quiet kind of isolation that follows me even when i’m not technically alone.
i think a lot about how different it might feel to live somewhere with more asian faces, more cultural familiarity, more chances to just exist without explanation. sometimes i worry that i’ve lost pieces of my identity simply because there was no one around to reflect it back to me. because of that isolation, i feel like i’m constantly fighting to prove my asianness. even though i’m visibly asian, i still feel this pressure to remind people and maybe myself that i’m “asian enough.”
it’s confusing, because being asian can make me feel unsafe or hypervisible in public, but at the same time i feel invisible in other ways, like people don’t really see me as a real asian person. it makes everything feel more complicated and exhausting.
i notice how i try to assert it, too. i bring vietnamese food to work. i wear things connected to my culture, like jade bracelets. i mention cultural references without being asked. it doesn’t feel performative it feels defensive. like i’m trying to protect something that keeps slipping away. like if i don’t actively claim it, it’ll be erased or rewritten by other people. sometimes it honestly feels like i’m being slowly whitewashed just by living here.
reflecting from the past 2 years, i come to realize moments that made me feel less authentic or less asian, but the feeling is still there. it shows up in how i question myself, how i compare myself to other asians, and how worried i am about whether i’m being seen “correctly.” i feel stuck between being too asian and not asian enough at the same time.
what really hurts is realizing that this fight even exists at all. my identity shouldn’t require proof. i shouldn’t have to defend my culture or perform it just to be believed. and yet, in a place with so few asian faces, it feels like my identity needs constant reinforcement like there’s no community around to reflect it back to me naturally.
there is technically a community here. i know there are communities like the crane house or the vsa exist, but for some reason they feel out of reach. it’s not like they’re unwelcoming, just distant. like they’re on the other side of a bridge i don’t know how to cross. i almost see them as something elevated, like a higher level of belonging that i don’t know how to access or don’t feel worthy of stepping into.
i don’t know if i’m scared of not fitting in, or being seen as awkward, or if realizing that even there i might still feel out of place. the fear doesn’t feel logical, but it’s real. reaching out feels heavy, like it would require more confidence or certainty than i have right now.
so i stay on this side, knowing community exists, but still feeling alone. it hurts to know that what i want is nearby, yet feels unreachable. i don’t know how to close that distance yet. i just know the gap feels real, and crossing it feels terrifying.
one of the hardest parts of living here has been trying to make asian friends and realizing how complicated that is for me. i want that connection so badly, people who understand the unspoken stuff, but when i get the opportunity to get to know other asians here, i still feel like i don’t fit in.
i keep wondering if something is wrong with me. maybe i’m just awkward. maybe i’m neurodivergent?? i never got tested but i know for a fact that i’m not a “normal” person. i honestly don’t know. i just know that social interaction doesn’t come naturally to me. carrying a conversation feels like work, like i’m constantly searching for the right thing to say while everyone else moves so easily.
what makes it harder is that the asians i see here all seem so different from me. they’re outgoing, social, outdoorsy, confident in ways i don’t feel. they move through spaces like they belong there. i feel intimidated by that, even though on paper we share so much culture, background, interests, experiences. it’s frustrating to feel both connected and disconnected at the same time.
that contradiction messes with my head. how can i have so much in common with people and still feel so far away from them? it makes me feel like i missed some rule everyone else learned.
i know my insecurity plays a big role. i go into situations already convinced people won’t want to be friends with me, so i don’t try. or i hold back. or i keep my walls up. and when nothing happens, it feels like confirmation that i was right all along. i fail myself before i even give myself a chance to even fail.
what hurts the most is knowing that part of this loneliness is something i do to protect myself. avoiding rejection feels safer than risking it, but it also keeps me stuck. i don’t know how to break out of that cycle yet. i just know i’m tired of wanting connection and feeling like i’m always slightly out of sync with everyone around me.
maybe this isn’t about being broken or unlikable. maybe i just haven’t found people who meet me where i am. i don’t have answers right now just the feeling, and the honesty to admit that this is hard.
and despite everything, i’m still here